I`m just being accountable

Well, I am completely spent. But in an attempt to remain accountable to myself and my promise to blog my journey....here I am at 2:08 a.m.

I mostly wanted to check in and say how proud I am of myself for getting everything done that I said I would! Thats when I realized that this could work, I might be able to persuade myself to do many great things if I just say that I will do it on here. I would feel to defeated if I were to admit I had actually failed....We are on to something here.

Anyways, in short. I went to the midwife today and when she asked me how I was feeling, instead of being a coward and sayng "I'm ok", I actually broke down and cried and told her how I feel she told me to talk to family doctor and most importantly, to try to find some social network so that I don't lose myself. So I am one step ahead with the blog thing. Going to look for some other ways to get myself out and maybe meet new people? lol sounds so difficult at this point, especially because I don't have the easiest access to a vehicle at all times. But I do think geting out at talking to people about how I feel and validating that I have a problem will help me get better. I felt great today after only a 10 minute conversation.

When I was leaving there was a pregnant mama waiting to go in and we struck up a conversation. She seemed awesome. Had a toddler around the same age as mine, due with her second in 2 weeks. Like minded parenting. I left the office feeling very sad that I cannot connect with people in a way that I wish I could. I mean, I would have loved to be like "heres my number call me when you are ready to socialize after your baby!" but how does one do that? So I decided that I need a Mom card. Like a business card, but with my personal info on it. To give to moms, I meet so I can make friends. Lol. While this is not on my list of things to do tomorrow, it certainly will happen before the summer days and trips to the park!

As far as everything I said I would do....

I came home and I organized my caft drawer and got all of my materials ready for my project life 2012!! I actually have a lot more than I thought, and I think I can pull off something unique and creative and not out of the box like some people who just got that Becky Higgins or whoever's kit to do it. Lol.

And can you believe it, I went to the bank, got my ink cartridges refilled AND went and bought Makaio clothes as well (he outgrew everything overnight I swear!!)

Then this evening I wrote out 5 pages of my birth story, but I'm only half way there. Not finished, but I still consider it a task finsihed because I at least got a whole lot more done than I would have if I didn't do it. lol.  I want to post it here, obviously I will when I finish, warning its probably going to be close to 10 pages, but most likely worth the read if you like birth stories as much as I do.

Tomorrow, I have no plans, except to finish my birth story. I also want to accomplish the goal of getting into my bed before 3 am. We will see how that one goes.... I know that there was something else that I wanted to state here so that I know I will get it done..but I have forgotten...

So... on that note.

I will somehow check in tomorrow. Here is to hoping that I have another happy-ish day.

Back to blogging

This is my attempt to get back into blogging....I deleted all of my previous 56 posts because I just wanted to have a clean slate. Re-reading most of what I had wrote sounded like I was reading a strangers blog. Which either means that I have changed a lot or I was putting on some stupid front that I don't really care about anymore.

I need an outlet. 6 weeks ago, precious Baby Makaio joined our family. The adjustment has been a lot more difficult than I could imagine.

My birth was traumatizing (for me at least -- more detail to be told in the future). We ended up having to stay an additional 6 days in the hospital while I watched my baby (born at 37 weeks to the day) hooked up to various monitors and machines in the NICU. He is more than healthy now, but those 6 days were the longest most difficult days of my life...more on that also to come. Anyways, I cant stop re-living my experience and the days following. I've been lonely and empty feeling, angry sometimes, just unmotivated and depressed.

I'm off to the midwife tomorrow so I will be sure to bring this up, but in the mean time, I just needed to start a place for me, hopefully a safe place, where I can get through my feelings and thoughts.
I have tried talking to people about the way that I feel, and I don't know if its the way I approach the subject, the stigma of depression, or just plain laziness, but no one seems to really care... I mean I know that they care, but no one has really taken the time to sit with me and talk to me about what happened. Everyone just acts as though it was just another week...which maybe for them it was, but for me it was not.

The way I feel is putting strain on my relationship with my partner (Gord) and my friends (the few I have...) and I'm sure it is affecting my children. It is also affecting my ability to focus on what I want out of life and where I see myself going. I have completely lost interest in my Political Science degree that I have been working on for 6 years. I can't sit still and my mind never rests. I stay up way too late because I can't sleep and get angry in the morning when I have to wake up. I don't want to be in my house, but I don't want to leave.

Its just a hot mess. and not normal. I mean its probably a normal thing for someone who just had a baby and went through what I just did, but its not a normal way to live life. Obviously.
I am hoping blogging can help me to work though my emotions and thoughts without feeling too crazy, and maybe out of it I might even find a support community...who knows.. ;)

In the non-digital realm, I plan on (starting way late) some sort of project life 2012 thing. Gutting out my craft drawers and boxes was on my list of things to do this week, and when I do so, I am going to place random appropriate materials in a box and make it work. I have a lot of junk that I think I could make into a nice sort of memory book. Is it weird that I am kicking myself for not starting it earlier? I just hate that I didn't document my experience with Makaio in the NICU more detailed...maybe I would be dealing better no? Ugh. So hard to live without regrets.

I have also started the Fly Lady program or whatever you want to call it. My control journal has been building and up and running for almost 2 full weeks with only 2 slacking days :) This brings me a sense of accomplishment. Having the house slowly declutter has been nice. When we sit down and think back to how bad it was sometimes when we only had one kid, we honestly can't imagine it!
In other random news, I have recently become obsessed with miniatures. I am thinking of purchasing a dollhouse kit for my birthday (from the family of course!! lol) and seeing what I can make. There are so many inspirational websites and some true artisians out there! I only dream of being able to create some of the things that they do! One site that blew my mind was Theresa's Miniatures World.

There are so many other great ones, but I'm too tired to link it all up now. But I won't hesitate to share them here now that I have the site back up and running.

My  first goal tomorrow is to write out my birth story. For realzzzz. I already spent over 2 hours typing it out one night only to find that it was not saved the next day I went to post it. This did not impress me, and sitting down to do it again was not high on my list of things to do. However, now I am afraid that I might forget it, and that would not be good. I have a tendency to regret any little detail I forget when it involves my children. Typical mother stuff I figure. :)

My second goal is to go through my craft supplies and organize materials for project life into the empty diaper box I shoved behind the microwave stand today ( I KNEW I would need it!!).

My third goal is to make it to the bank and get my printer ink (b&w and colour!) refilled. LOL. This goal is voted by me to be most likely to fail.

Anyways. Thanks for taking the time to stop in, hoping to make myself more of a regular here on the World Wide Web. I haven't even been by twitter much lately, so this might seem unlikely to some.
However, I think twitter intimidates me right now because I have too much to say for 140 characters and I loose my train of thought when I go on tweet rants...and people are less likely to respond or understand. Sooooo...

..... its Back to Blogging!

My final thought for you....my boobs are leaking, which I see as mother natures sad way of telling you that your quiet time of baby sleeping is about to end. O_O

Becca

I'm Pregnant?....!!!

Guess who got knocked up!!?? ...
 
ME!!! : ) 

Obviously you already know this because you most likely follow me on twitter. What else could bring you to such a boring blog? this gives me a good enough reason to spend a few minutes a week to blog. I'd love to think that I would keep up with some beautifully bound paper journal and record all my daily thoughts and feelings, but lets get real, thats always a complete fail.

Blogging it is then.

Decided to switch from wordpress back to blogger, I mean its all so confusing idk. I just figured this one has less posts that I would be tempted to delete. Whatever, I'm avoiding the subject...

So, as I have established, through many pregnancy tests of different brands, I am pregnant!

Exciting! Not completely unexpected, not completely unplanned, just somewhere in between.

I hate that I didn`t document my first pregnancy to the fullest extent. I was so afraid of it. I wanted it so bad, but I still felt that I was so young in the eyes of so many people (and unmarried of course). I didn`t want to fully let out all my emotions and be excited because I felt like I was treated and looked like I was 17, not that a teen shouldn`t enjoy their pregnancy....but do ykwim?

So this time, especially since the online world has become a huge comfort zone for me, I would like to document my pregnancy journey through this previously established blog and see where it takes me!

Today I am approx, 4wks 4d. .......

Toddler is crying 0_o
time to end the post....

Is circumcision like a drug deal?

As I explained in my post last night, I only recently came to realize what the term “Intactivism” means. I really haven’t looked more into it, until today, when I experienced my first circumcision debate with a Truck full of men…

Let me break it down for you…

So. G and I went with is brother, B, to pick up one of his friends, who I will call S. So, S is a nursing student [which if you met the guy you would never guess that, but his mom is a nurse at Sick Kids Hospital, so I guess he is just following family footsteps?] He is currently doing a co-op placement at a hospital in a Maternity Ward. So he was talking about all the stuff he gets to see and etc, because I guess he figured out of everyone, I would be the one person who would be uber intrigued.

Not sure how we got on the topic, but circumcision came up. [I probably brought it up, knowing me and my wanting-to-be-controversial-academic-debater-self..] I had asked him if he would circ his baby, and he said “for sure!” because he was. Then B chimed in, that he would also. Their reasoning ranged from cleanliness and disease, to appearance and aesthetics. G stayed silent the whole time, because he isn’t circ, and I’m guessing that he probably felt pretty awkward…. [his younger bro, B, is, and he isn't...seems so strange!]

Anyways…

We ended up dropping them off and the convo got cut short because the baby was freaking out and we had to leave. I told them both I was doing a Twitter shout out to gather resources to help convince them that it isn’t right. [because even if I don't have a son, or am not a man, I know that it is not right....] I got a couple of GREAT links, and can’t wait to pass them on to S.

At 1pm I had a play date with my friend L and her son C. As we were sitting there the thought crossed my head about the debate in the car, and I realized that if we had talked about circ before it probably wasn’t in great detail because I was never as interested as I am now. [i think I am mainly so interested because I want to make sure that when I have a son, I make an informed choice. but seeing as though G isn't, we definitely won't be....but want to have the right tools for conversation with others when I have to explain my decision...]

So I blatantly asked L if C was circ, and she told me the most odd story I have ever heard…and if you read this. Maybe you can comment and tell me why this happened?

She said “yes” and then proceeded to explain how she felt like the whole process was some sort of drug deal. Apparently the Dr came into her hospital room, shut the curtain and said “Tomorrow. 12 o’clock. Bring $200 cash.”

So they did.

They had to pay the doctor $200 cash to perform the circ, as well as an additional $150 to the hospital.

I understand that OHIP doesn’t cover some procedures. So I can understand the fee to the hospital….but the $200 cash to the Dr…that is just SHADY.

Can someone please explain WHY?!

More boob talk....

{**DISCLAIMER: This post is obviously not to offend anyone, and as most subjects that have to do with parenting, it is a touchy one. I am only writing from my heart and fingers about MY PERSONAL OPINION. If you don’t like it, don’t read it….and its kind of a follow up to my “nipple” post, don’t want anyone to get the idea that I’m a formula feeder hater! }
Lactivist. Intactivist.

These were both things which I have never heard of until Twitter [to be completely honest]. These terms never came up in any of my obsessive Google searches. I’m not even going to lie, the first time I saw “Lactivist. Intactivist” I figured out what Lactivist meant but I read the latter as something more like INTA-ACTIVIST. I thought that the person was just trying to rhyme their activism. Then I finally realized that its INTACT-IVIST. Thanks to @Grow_Diego_Grow blog who had an AMAZING post about circumcision [ here].

Since I do not [YET] have a son, and as much as I am anti-circumcision, I’m not going to write an intactivist post [YET, lol]. Instead, I’m going to reach to my inner lactivist and blog about something that I am very familiar with, and very passionate about.

Breastfeeding.

Lately on twitter, I feel like every other day or so, I am stumbling across new posts from various Lactivists [and not] that all are debating on the topic of Breastfeeding vs formula. I know I have briefly explained once before my thoughts on this topic. But I would like to further expand, and share with you the amazing words of other Moms from around the globe. This way I will be able to sleep at night [and focus better on homework] knowing that I said what I have to say!

First of all, let me make one thing clear….I am not ANTI-formula, buy ANY means. I realize that there is a medical reason for some people to use it, whether it be a low/change in milk supply, or whatnot. BUT, it does upset me when some women just choose not to breastfeed at all, because it is what is “convenient” to them or what “helps” them.

When I was pregnant, my thoughts on breastfeeding were very little and few between.

I said “I will do it if I can” and “we will see“.

My interests were more with childbirth, I guess I figured that I would deal with the whole feeding process once the baby had come. I received formula samples [which I didn't ask for] one was actually a CASE, and another was a smaller version of the large tins you can purchase in the store. I also received a lot of bottles [new and used] from people and gift bags for baby registries….and on the flip side also managed to score an abundance of nursing pads, nipple cremes, and other breastfeeding paraphernalia. I never asked for any of this, but I didn’t turn it away. I remember telling G how thankful I was that we had gotten so many bottles, and a sterilizer, because I assumed I would actually use one.

[Note: I have only used a bottle TWICE and both were only a few weeks postpartum, and I pumped so that G could feed N and allow me to sleep.]

I even remember the night I was in labor and packing my bag to head to the hospital in a mad dash, because as per usual, I left everything to the last minute..[and had to take breaks from packing because I was actually trying my hardest not to push at 10cm dilated, but that's something we will leave to my birth story :) ] I even wondered, should I pack one of these “ready-to-use” jarred formulas just in case we need it? But I decided against that. Fast forward: About 3 minutes after giving birth, [after nurses checked the baby, because there was meconium in the fluid] the midwife brought me my baby, told me to take out my breast and offer it. So I did. N latched right away, something that was truly a blessing because many seem to have issues with this. I never stopped, I breastfed on demand, despite people telling me “she should be on a schedule” and that “I need my rest“.

After months of successful breastfeeding [with a hearty supply], I finally donated the jars of formula to a local woman’s shelter. [I still have that dreaded tin in my cupboard...I'm almost afraid to let go because I fear that I might one day need it..which is absurd, but whatever...]

Then I got to thinking.

Why was I so, almost, afraid, of breastfeeding? What intimidated me about such a NATURAL process?

What did I hear while I was pregnant, or before, that had possibly deterred me from not wanting to obsessively Google breastfeeding, or shop for nursing bras or shirts?

I sat and wondered for a while, and then once I had compiled all my data, I kind of realized. My lack of Breastfeeding knowledge came from a lack of support, inspiration and direction. If it weren’t for my midwife, I don’t know if I would be breastfeeding today[,...honestly...its true.]

I had very few friends/acquaintances/family who I could turn to to ask about their experiences with childbirth, breastfeeding, parenting, and etc. I’m not even sure exactly how long my mom breastfed any of my sisters or I. I remember her tandem nursing my younger twin sisters, but I don’t remember them ever being that big when they were, so she couldn’t have nursed for long. Nor did she pump. Because she talks about preparing bottles…So I feel like even her personal breastfeeding experiences were limited. Unfortunately, for some reason [maybe her lack of own experience], my mom didn’t offer a lot, if any, breastfeeding support…and neither did my MIL, or grandma, or anyone in my family.

Before I had the baby, I did reach out to a couple of women who I knew from high school who had children since, I wanted to see what their experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum days entailed, and hoped to gain insight and knowledge from what [if any] information I was to receive. Although I hadn’t talked to any in a long time, I still received very welcoming responses and stories [I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't enjoy telling their birthing/parenting stores, even still if it is mostly complaints!].

The first story briefly touched on breastfeeding , “she was hospitilized after we left the hospital twice and I never produced any breat milk for her and I always wonder if I coulve prevented these things by doign the “right thing“”. [Spelling is as it was in the e-mail].And that was all that was mentioned.

The second story read ” I didnt breast feed which helped me a lot cuz in the nights steve cud go and feed the baby. Being a mom is a 24/hr job where the men who work get to punch in and out. I think its only fair if they get up in the night once in a while too cuz its not fair they get perfect sleeps every night and we have to wake up every 3 hours. NO sleep DOES take a tole on ur body and thats when they need to suck it up and help out. Dont forget that. And if u need help, dont be afraid to ask for it. Dont feel like u have to be super mom and get everything done, and clean house etcc.., 10 years from now u wont remember how clean ur house was but how happy u were and its more important u stay sane then trying to get everything done all the time.”

The first, looking back, kind of gives the impression of not-trying/no support/giving up. The second, is kind of the same, along with a bit of lazyness. [NO OFFENSE, just IMO]

And this was the only information I received regarding breastfeeding before I had N, from anything other than “What to Expect When You are Expecting”, which btw, is one of the WORST books ever, and if it wasn’t one of those things people always get for you as soon as you are knocked up, I probably never would have read it/purchased it. [In my case,my mom brought it to me the day I found out about my pregnancy, probably because of the fact that it seems so customary...] Nor will I get it for anyone in the future. Read this funny post about the book here.

No wonder I had such a distorted view. Formula and bottles being shipped out to me, no breastfeeding inspiration [besides nursing pads...]. I heard stories of “not being able to breastfeed” and “how tired I would be if I did“.

I have another friend, who gave birth not too long after me, and she made attempts to breastfeed, but quit after two weeks. She said “the baby didn’t like it“. I also feel like every time I talk about breastfeeding, or breastfeed in front of her, she gets on the defense with excuses/reasons as to why she stopped. But really, I don’t care. I’m kind of sick of hearing excuses…its all I hear at my Momstown playgroups. I read a post about excuses not to formula feed [a play on formula feeding mothers excuses not to breastfeed] and I could not agree MORE with everything said. Its all true. All excuses I have heard in my 7 months of being a mother and being exposed to other mothers.

Another wonderful blog written by a young mom, had another post about the world and how it would be if formula didn’t exist. Babies would die. Natural Selection would be working. Or would it?

Pre-Formula days, there were wet nurses. If you didn’t want to nurse your baby, or lets say you actually medically COULDN’T, there were still people who were available to do it. Although, as this site explains, wet nursing did come to a minor halt after the discovery of the transfer of disease through breastmilk, but now that we have the tools necessary to detect this, wet nursing is making a come back. I LOVE THIS!

Through extensive Google searches and following people on twitter, I have come to find that SOME [I repeat, SOME...] aren’t as “grossed out” at the thought of donating breastmilk to another mother and baby, or even breastfeeding another child who is not your own. A WONDERFUL mother, @Heartsandhandss has/had been pumping after a tragic loss TO KEEP HER SUPPLY AND SHE DONATED IT! This is an amazingly refreshing story which you can read on her blog.

Another mother whom I have found through Googling, is Rainbow Jen-Jen, she and her small group of friends actually cross-nurse each others babies. When one of them isn’t around, or too tired to nurse, another mom will step into the job. :) This is her blog where you can read your stories.

If everyone were to adopt these some of the perspectives which these women above have, babies could continue to be breastfed, no matter what. Milk donation and wet nursing are great solutions for those who can’t breastfeed.

Can’t.

I’m not in the medical profession, so I cannot back up whether or not it is actually truly possible for a woman NOT to be able to produce ANY breastmilk. How can you tell me you can GROW a human being inside you AND NOT be able to produce the milk to help them continue to grow and thrive. IMO, it just doesn’t work.

[I can understand how stress, or another pregnancy, could damper your supply, but even if you loose your supply and have tried for longer than a couple of weeks, I would still consider you a breastfeeding mom, despite having to switch to formula, because it was out of your control.]

Maybe it is because of the lack of support, and the unnecessary and overbearing medical intervention that surrounds birthing process?

Lactation Consultants should be available for EVERY birthing mother. I think that even with a C-Section, mothers should be given the opportunity to TRY to breastfeed shortly after the baby is born, so that they don’t interrupt the natural process of latching, supply, and the entire breastfeeding relationship. More baby friendly hospitals would probably help this… read here on Breastfeeding Canada website.

[One friend had a C-Section and they didn't let her see the baby until 9 hours later, I believe that this could have contributed to the unhealthy nursing relationship that they had...there are pictures of him in an incubator...with a pacifier...which was obviously given to him by the hospital, because she couldn't even see her baby for so long after, AND In my humble opinion, this jeopardized the breastfeeding experience. This is what I mean by unnecessary medical intervention. Maybe if she had been given the opportunity to try to nurse, her nursing relationship would have been different. More "Baby Friendly" health services need to be available!!]

Accustomed Chaos wrote a post that makes me scared to even post mine. [ actually...just read all of theses posts, she writes too many good things about formula and breastfeeding,here is #1, and #2]She explains how some Lactivists can go to far, and somewhat bash formula mothers, some of which had no choice but to use formula.

This is true. I don’t want to seem like I’m bashing formula mothers.

I’m NOT. My only problem is when people don’t want to breastfeed, or don’t try. Its a hard process for everyone and its not really fair that some should be so lazy selfish.

So I guess, my conclusion is, that I appreciate the value of formula, for its ability to save the life of an infant when breastmilk doesn’t exist isn’t available…

But it kind of bothers me when Moms don’t even try or give up the struggle.

BUT, for some reason, as much as it upsets me….I don’t really BLAME them, I mean, in today’s society, breastfeeding is something which can be seen as indecent, unnessessary [because of the availablity of formula] and even offending.

Today I read this post, which reaaallly upset me. Its hard to believe that people would actually get ARRESTED for FEEDING THEIR BABIES! Its a shame that something so natural, can just be totally distorted and made out to be a horrid thing.

I think that our intense global-marketplace-of-a-society is to blame for the distored view on breastfeeding…. Because they continue to advertise, send out samples and overall glamourize bottle feeding….because they make MILLIONS if not BILLIONS of dollars for persuading mothers away from the boob.

And when people think its “gross” or that “boobs are for sex”……..grrrrrrr

Don’t even get me fucking started.

Just do me, [and your baby] a favor, at least TRY [for at least a month] to breastfeed your baby…please..

You will thank me one day for telling you to do so.

[p.s. This sat in my Draft posts for a week or so, I was too scared to post it... I guess its a good thing no one reads my blog, as The Feminist Breeder suggested in her post today...I am counting my stars.. ]

My Crib....[not my house, the thing the baby is supposed to sleep in...]

*Sigh*

Sidenote: before I get into this post, I went to this site which generates a “tweet cloud” and in mine, one of the words I tweet the most…..is *sigh*….LOL…I got to get over myself.

So. My crib.

Its not even a crib. Its a pack ‘n play. Its like something inside me knew that I wasn’t really going to use it so we opted for the least expensive option, as well as the smallest…since we only had one bedroom which we would all be sharing, [which at the time, I didn't know, by definition, that also counts as co-sleeping...so I was a cosleeper from the beginning, and I didn't even know it..:D] and this room barely held our own bed..so smallest crib was best idea. We would have gotten a bassinet. But figured a pack ‘n play can actually be used until the baby is 2 or 3, so it will pay itself off in the long run.

ANYWAYS….

So, N has slept in the crib for one entire night [not straight through, but meaning I actually put her down in it after I fed her during the night] This one attempt at the sleeping in the crib was probably when she was about a month or so, after I confessed to my Mom that I was still sleeping with her. She told me that I had to start to put her in her crib to “get her used to it” or else ” I would regret it” [not actual quotes of course, but something along those lines of anti-co-sleeping.] so I had a feeble attempt at trying to get her to sleep in it…which she did…but she just woke up WAY more.

The day N was born, we brought her home, and when we were finally ready to settle in for the night, I was all gung-ho to put her in the crib, it was G who said “lets sleep with her between us. she is too small to sleep in there”, so we did. and as any mom or dad would know, this first night didn’t involve very much actual sleep anyways. After the first day or two, G started to encourage the crib again, plus I was terrified of him rolling on her [and also at this point had not yet learned that I could breastfeed in the side-laying position. Newborns seemed so fragile to me at the time (because they are!) and I figured they always had to be held or swaddled while fed.] So I would usually nurse her down to sleep and then place her in the crib. Of course, I would be waking every hour or so to nurse her, when I was done I would burp her on my chest. Eventually I would lay down with her on my chest because she would still be awake and only seemed to be soothed when I patted her back. So, I would lay there, pat her back, and pass out. I would wake up to her searching for boob, I would sit up, nurse her, and end up falling back asleep again while I laid down trying to burp/soothe her.

At first I was terrified at the fact that I had actually fallen asleep while she was LAYING ON MY CHEST! Was this okay? Surely it couldn’t be, was what I thought. I had seen the co-sleeper bassinets and such for beds, but had never heard of a baby sleeping on someones chest before. Not at night at least, and not while the person was sleeping themselves.

I googled obsessively “Sleeping with baby on chest” or “I feel asleep with my baby on me” or “blog about sleeping with baby on chest” I was desperate to find SOME sort of indication that I was doing something right. ..

Why I wouldn’t just follow my motherly instinct…I’m not sure… regardless, I found nothing on the internet, and was pretty sure that “What to Expect When You are Expecting” wasn’t going to have a page, let alone a sentence, about sleeping with your baby on your chest. Despite the fact that I felt guilty about this sleeping arrangement, I would still do it. She never once rolled off, my hands were always on her when I woke up, and I got more sleep than I did when I put her in the crib. [plus not to mention the fact that it was just sooo extremely comfortable!]

One visit with my midwife encouraged me to try the side laying position while breastfeeding as another option of cosleeping. Despite the fact that I was co-sleeping, I was still sitting up to nurse the baby. [A HUGE inconvienience now that I look back, I actually had to WAKE UP. Geesh. How did I survive?!]

So one night when I was really tired and had to feed, I went to the bed, laid down and fed N. It was wonderful. I was relaxed. I could rest and feed! who knew?!

Of course the first thing G says is “Is that safe?”….to which I responded “why wouldn’t it be?”….I think he forgot about the fact that he was the one who had in fact suggested co-sleeping in the first place..and how was this any different, I was just sleeping with my boob out

*sigh* and the rest is history. Even the crib.

We moved out of the house we brought N home to when she was 4 months old. Since we have been living here, I have placed her in the crib twice. Once was for 2 minutes while I straighted out the sheets, and the other time, I placed her in it for about an hour, just so I could get some sleep on my stomach [because WOW, do I EVER miss sleeping on my stomach :/]

So yesterday, I rearranged the room so that we could bring in a single mattress for G to sleep on. He has been sleeping on the couch for about a month because he is always afraid that he is going to wake up the baby, so to solve this problem, we brought him in his own bed so he won’t have to worry about disturbing her and I also wont have to worry about him rolling on her or anything like that. [its funny, now that he is back in the room, I kinda wish he was still on the couch because he SNORES SO LOUD, and I get a much better sleep when I dont have to kick him every 5 min, LOL, but still love his presence. ].With the rearranging, I had to place the crib at the end of the bed, and now my closet barely opens…..and I thought to myself…”Should I just take it down?”..and despite the fact that I know chances are I am never going to use it [even when we do transfer N to her own bed, we figure we can just get a kids frame for the single mattress G is sleeping on now] So realllly, she is never going to use it..and when she does have her own bed, it will just be a toddler bed. No crib needed.

So why don’t I take it down?

Probably because I’m such a wimp and actually worry about what people are going to think about me. Its already awkward enough trying to explain where the baby sleeps. Sometimes I just say “in her crib” and use the explaination that she doesn’t have her own room because “our 2nd bedroom is across the house and I don’t want to have to get up during the night”.

The worst was trying to explain to people where she slept during the days that she slept on my chest.

“So where does the baby sleep?”

“On my chest..”

*awkward pause*

“Your chest?…?”

So I guess I keep the crib up because I want people to *think* that we use it. I don’t want people to get all up in my business. Its hard enough being a nursing mother of a baby who can crawl onto my lap and ask for boob….let alone being “the mom who sleeps with her baby”

The funnier thing, which I thought about the other day while nursing, was that my family can’t even give me slack. Although none of them actually slept with their babies, or even roomed with them for that matter, some are still co-sleepers.

Take my Grandma for the first example. I used to spend countless nights at her house after my younger [by 6 1/2 years] twin sisters were born. I remember often during the night I would either call out her name, or go into her room and ask her to come and sleep with me….and she did. So she part-time co-slept with me.

My Mom is another great example. Shes made comments about not being able to get N out of my bed, and blah blah blah…yet, although she didn’t co-sleep with them at a young age…my 17 year old sisters still usually end up in bed with her. So she is a co-sleeper…and she tells me I’m going to have issues getting N out of my bed?….Maybe its because she knows that she has 17 year olds who sleep with her.. LOL

Sooooo. I’m going to keep my crib up. At least for a couple more days. Until I get really mad that I can’t put laundry away with ease…not to mention it just takes up a whole bunch of space that could easily be used for something else…like laundry…

And thats my story.

I really hope that someone gets a hit to my blog by googling “baby sleeping on chest” because then maybe they will know that IT IS OK. I only wish that I could have found a blog post with reference to this after N was born. Would have given me a piece of mind. [and if you are a co-sleeper..please comment about your experience with your crib. Did you ever get one? What did you do with it? I need to know! ]

Anyhoo,

Peace out, yo.

11 ways Twitter Mamas saved my life

Blackberry.

I think first and foremost I have to thank RIM for creating the Blackberry, getting all my friends and family addicted, and then persuading me to get one for myself because of the ease of which I could share pictures through Blackberry Messenger. For those of you who own a Crackberry, I don’t really need to explain myself further. For those who don’t. Go get one. Not an Iphone 4 or some random smart phone…Get a Blackberry [Which I will now refer to as my BB]. If it weren’t for my BB, I never would have found…

Twitter.

I remember back when I took a course called “Information and Technology in Society” [for the first time, I had to take it twice, first time resulted in an EPIC FAIL, but that's another story...] during one of our tutorials [mini-class separate from lecture - for those of you who aren't familiar ] We discussed Twitter. It had just been created. I had only just recently jumped on the Facebook bandwagon, and my exposure to the awesomeness of social media was limited. I still didn’t understand the point of the tool.

Why would someone want to know what you are doing at every second of every day?

Those were exactly the words that came out of my mouth. :/ We all laughed, made fun of it, carried on…etc. etc.

I don’t remember exactly how twittering became a topic in my life, but it did, which was when I was pregnant. I’m pretty sure a co-worker and I were making fun of something or another…and I came home laughing about twittering stuff to my DH. Not really the point, continuing. Then one day DH was driving me to work, and I was complaining about the obvious [I was 7ish months pregnant and need not explain why If you have been-there-done-that-got-the-t-shirt.] and he goes on to say “My body aches every day, every muscle, every bone, I’m dying. Twitter that“.

Cue: INSANE LAUGHTER and an inside joke that has lasted a year. Every time something happens, I say “Oooh, TWITTER THAT!”…the funny thing is now I actually mean it.

Fast forward to the day I got my BB. May 27th, 2010. I signed up for Twitter, mainly because it had an app already installed. So I figured why not try it out?

At first it was my politician and celeb stalking tool. [Now its a mom-stalking-tool...] And then I discovered lists. Decided to search Breastfeeding and Attachment Parenting lists. Found a lot more than I was expecting. Went to one.

INSTA-FOLLOW-HEAVEN.

I had always tried to keep my tweets to a minimal amount of things, since most of my [then] followers were politician-y people and whatnot. Why would they want to hear about my obsessive rants about parenting, breastfeeding, and etc? [Bless those who still follow me to this day, and converse with me. Some say they are reliving their lives through me, which makes me happy, in a weird Twitter stalker kind of way.. ] So as I started to follow and converse with these mamas who were on this “breastfeeding” list….my life changed.

LITERALLY. TWITTER SAVED MY LIFE.

Not that it was really about to end, and needed to be saved…..okay lets try that again…

TWITTER SAVED MY LIFE SANITY.

It saved my sanity. Pre-Twitter days, I would obsessively Google for blogs, or forums, where I could find other women who were LIKE ME. I had especially never heard of anything about sleeping with your baby [except obviously the dangers, never the plus side...] So I was on a frantic search to find ANYONE or ANYTHING that would make me feel more comfortable doing what I was doing. I don’t like playing the “my baby does this” or “my baby does that” kind of game with moms, but finding a blog or forum or SOMETHING, that gave me affirmation that I wasn’t crazy was what I needed most.

I needed support.

And its funny, because rrreeeeeaallly, you think that you would first turn to those around you, like family and friends for support. But in my case. No one in my family co-slept [they told me it was a "bad idea" and that "I will regret it"], hardly anyone Breastfed for that long [or at least would say they couldn't remember when they stopped, and would rarely converse about it without awkwardness...]. I only have one real friend who has a baby, and shes the opposite to me [c-section instead of natural birth, formula instead of breastfeeds, doesn't own a baby carrier, uses a soother, uses disposible diapers....can't get more contrasting than that...OH she even has a boy, and I have a girl!] which means that I can’t really talk to her about anything…

So in come the twitter moms.

Let me tell you why I love them.

1. They don’t judge you for anything you rant about [those who do, just stop following you, and they frankly, can go fuck themselves...LOL]

2. They can give you quick answers to unexpected parenting questions

3. They give you constant reminders that you aren’t alone

4. They make me laugh, cry, and think about things I haven’t thought about

5. They have taught me things I didn’t know

6. They reach out to those in need

7. They help me make decisions in life about almost everything

8. They Google things for me when I don’t have the time

9. I can talk about my boobs as much as I want, and no one gets grossed out

10. They are there for me when I’m being a bored SAHM Mom with nothing to do…

AND

11. They inspire me to do more and do better things in life

I’m going to keep it short and sweet just like that.

Plus the babe just woke up. [EDIT: okay, she just took a deep breath, not awake yet...]

And now you know how Twitter Moms save my sanity [and therefore, my life ] Not to mention all the other cool followers who stick around to hear about my adventures in being a first time AP mom….

Until Next Time.

R. Xoxo