I`m just being accountable

Well, I am completely spent. But in an attempt to remain accountable to myself and my promise to blog my journey....here I am at 2:08 a.m.

I mostly wanted to check in and say how proud I am of myself for getting everything done that I said I would! Thats when I realized that this could work, I might be able to persuade myself to do many great things if I just say that I will do it on here. I would feel to defeated if I were to admit I had actually failed....We are on to something here.

Anyways, in short. I went to the midwife today and when she asked me how I was feeling, instead of being a coward and sayng "I'm ok", I actually broke down and cried and told her how I feel she told me to talk to family doctor and most importantly, to try to find some social network so that I don't lose myself. So I am one step ahead with the blog thing. Going to look for some other ways to get myself out and maybe meet new people? lol sounds so difficult at this point, especially because I don't have the easiest access to a vehicle at all times. But I do think geting out at talking to people about how I feel and validating that I have a problem will help me get better. I felt great today after only a 10 minute conversation.

When I was leaving there was a pregnant mama waiting to go in and we struck up a conversation. She seemed awesome. Had a toddler around the same age as mine, due with her second in 2 weeks. Like minded parenting. I left the office feeling very sad that I cannot connect with people in a way that I wish I could. I mean, I would have loved to be like "heres my number call me when you are ready to socialize after your baby!" but how does one do that? So I decided that I need a Mom card. Like a business card, but with my personal info on it. To give to moms, I meet so I can make friends. Lol. While this is not on my list of things to do tomorrow, it certainly will happen before the summer days and trips to the park!

As far as everything I said I would do....

I came home and I organized my caft drawer and got all of my materials ready for my project life 2012!! I actually have a lot more than I thought, and I think I can pull off something unique and creative and not out of the box like some people who just got that Becky Higgins or whoever's kit to do it. Lol.

And can you believe it, I went to the bank, got my ink cartridges refilled AND went and bought Makaio clothes as well (he outgrew everything overnight I swear!!)

Then this evening I wrote out 5 pages of my birth story, but I'm only half way there. Not finished, but I still consider it a task finsihed because I at least got a whole lot more done than I would have if I didn't do it. lol.  I want to post it here, obviously I will when I finish, warning its probably going to be close to 10 pages, but most likely worth the read if you like birth stories as much as I do.

Tomorrow, I have no plans, except to finish my birth story. I also want to accomplish the goal of getting into my bed before 3 am. We will see how that one goes.... I know that there was something else that I wanted to state here so that I know I will get it done..but I have forgotten...

So... on that note.

I will somehow check in tomorrow. Here is to hoping that I have another happy-ish day.

Back to blogging

This is my attempt to get back into blogging....I deleted all of my previous 56 posts because I just wanted to have a clean slate. Re-reading most of what I had wrote sounded like I was reading a strangers blog. Which either means that I have changed a lot or I was putting on some stupid front that I don't really care about anymore.

I need an outlet. 6 weeks ago, precious Baby Makaio joined our family. The adjustment has been a lot more difficult than I could imagine.

My birth was traumatizing (for me at least -- more detail to be told in the future). We ended up having to stay an additional 6 days in the hospital while I watched my baby (born at 37 weeks to the day) hooked up to various monitors and machines in the NICU. He is more than healthy now, but those 6 days were the longest most difficult days of my life...more on that also to come. Anyways, I cant stop re-living my experience and the days following. I've been lonely and empty feeling, angry sometimes, just unmotivated and depressed.

I'm off to the midwife tomorrow so I will be sure to bring this up, but in the mean time, I just needed to start a place for me, hopefully a safe place, where I can get through my feelings and thoughts.
I have tried talking to people about the way that I feel, and I don't know if its the way I approach the subject, the stigma of depression, or just plain laziness, but no one seems to really care... I mean I know that they care, but no one has really taken the time to sit with me and talk to me about what happened. Everyone just acts as though it was just another week...which maybe for them it was, but for me it was not.

The way I feel is putting strain on my relationship with my partner (Gord) and my friends (the few I have...) and I'm sure it is affecting my children. It is also affecting my ability to focus on what I want out of life and where I see myself going. I have completely lost interest in my Political Science degree that I have been working on for 6 years. I can't sit still and my mind never rests. I stay up way too late because I can't sleep and get angry in the morning when I have to wake up. I don't want to be in my house, but I don't want to leave.

Its just a hot mess. and not normal. I mean its probably a normal thing for someone who just had a baby and went through what I just did, but its not a normal way to live life. Obviously.
I am hoping blogging can help me to work though my emotions and thoughts without feeling too crazy, and maybe out of it I might even find a support community...who knows.. ;)

In the non-digital realm, I plan on (starting way late) some sort of project life 2012 thing. Gutting out my craft drawers and boxes was on my list of things to do this week, and when I do so, I am going to place random appropriate materials in a box and make it work. I have a lot of junk that I think I could make into a nice sort of memory book. Is it weird that I am kicking myself for not starting it earlier? I just hate that I didn't document my experience with Makaio in the NICU more detailed...maybe I would be dealing better no? Ugh. So hard to live without regrets.

I have also started the Fly Lady program or whatever you want to call it. My control journal has been building and up and running for almost 2 full weeks with only 2 slacking days :) This brings me a sense of accomplishment. Having the house slowly declutter has been nice. When we sit down and think back to how bad it was sometimes when we only had one kid, we honestly can't imagine it!
In other random news, I have recently become obsessed with miniatures. I am thinking of purchasing a dollhouse kit for my birthday (from the family of course!! lol) and seeing what I can make. There are so many inspirational websites and some true artisians out there! I only dream of being able to create some of the things that they do! One site that blew my mind was Theresa's Miniatures World.

There are so many other great ones, but I'm too tired to link it all up now. But I won't hesitate to share them here now that I have the site back up and running.

My  first goal tomorrow is to write out my birth story. For realzzzz. I already spent over 2 hours typing it out one night only to find that it was not saved the next day I went to post it. This did not impress me, and sitting down to do it again was not high on my list of things to do. However, now I am afraid that I might forget it, and that would not be good. I have a tendency to regret any little detail I forget when it involves my children. Typical mother stuff I figure. :)

My second goal is to go through my craft supplies and organize materials for project life into the empty diaper box I shoved behind the microwave stand today ( I KNEW I would need it!!).

My third goal is to make it to the bank and get my printer ink (b&w and colour!) refilled. LOL. This goal is voted by me to be most likely to fail.

Anyways. Thanks for taking the time to stop in, hoping to make myself more of a regular here on the World Wide Web. I haven't even been by twitter much lately, so this might seem unlikely to some.
However, I think twitter intimidates me right now because I have too much to say for 140 characters and I loose my train of thought when I go on tweet rants...and people are less likely to respond or understand. Sooooo...

..... its Back to Blogging!

My final thought for you....my boobs are leaking, which I see as mother natures sad way of telling you that your quiet time of baby sleeping is about to end. O_O

Becca