Every other Wednesday, I go to Baby Babble, as run by my local Momstown chapter. I love going. I used to be intimidated by the fact that most moms are at least 5-15 years older than me, but I’m over that now. We still have lots in common….being moms.The group usually runs from 2-4, after the infamous morning nap, and before the late afternoon “cat nap”. Around 3-3:30, the babies all start to get fussy and cry, because they are hungry. This is the only time I feel like I might want to run away and hide, and I do. I leave the room…. to be able to feel comfortable nursing my baby.
Why?
Because I’m the only 1 of 2 moms who openly breastfeed [thats 10% of all the moms who attend] and by openly breastfeed, I mean leave the room. The other 18 moms, bottle feed. I’m sure some are [what I like to refer to as] “Closet Breastfeeders”, meaning, they breastfeed, but pump to be able to use bottles when in public, sometimes I try to figure out who these moms are by the type of bottle they are using [usually pump compatible].
Sometimes the talk will be about formula sales, or switching formulas because of spitting up….and I feel so awkward. I stare at the ground and don’t make eye contact. I don’t want people to know that I breastfeed. I don’t want to be the one who can’t participate in the conversation. Because I feel that a. I don’t know enough to participate, and b. whatever I say will probably be met with more awkward stares.
I feel centered out.
This bugs me on so many levels. I shouldn’t have to leave the room when I want to feed the baby, we are all moms, its not like I could/would/should be offending anyone. Or am I? Maybe I am. I can feel the stares, and I see the looks I get when I discuss breastfeeding, or announce that I am still nursing
Maybe some Moms are mad that they didn’t get to experience what I am? or maybe they are resenting themselves a little for not trying harder? or being sad that it didn’t work for them? Who knows. I don’t even want to bring up the subject to find out the reasons why they choose not to breastfeed.Its such a controversial subject, and I hate when Moms feel like they have to defend themselves to me, just because I breastfeed and they don’t. They have to give me the list of reasons of why formula was better for them.
But I get it. I totally get it. I get defensive too.
I get defensive because I feel like I have to justify why I am breastfeeding and not using a bottle [Note: I only feel this way at this particular playgroup, and some other times with general public or co-workers, or people who don't have kids so don't really even have experience to give a proper opinion] . A lot of women just don’t understand…
But it goes both ways.
Formula moms don’t understand Breastfeeding until they have experienced it. Just like Breastfeeding moms don’t understand formula feeding….until they have experienced it.
I don’t understand formula feeding one bit…and not because I don’t get why women choose to do it. I just don’t get how it works…
How do you know how much to feed them? How do you heat it up? Do you use tap water or filtered water? Are you worried about bacteria in the bottles? How do you sterilize bottles then when you are in public? What kind of nipples to you use? How do you deal with making bottles in the middle of the night?
Those are just a few of the things that I think of when I think of formula feeding. [I'm starting to think that the word "formula" comes from the fact that you almost need a degree in effin science to understand how to do it].
Because I lack all of this knowledge, I find myself staring, when moms are preparing their bottles I stare. I stare at their nipples, some are brown, some are clear, some are long, others short…:/ I look at the what looks to me like baby cereal being mixed in with water, and I stare. I still stare when a baby sits there and drinks a bottle, while the mom holds it. It looks odd…. [In MY opinion, don't hate. ]. My eyes get all googly, and I probably give weird looks, and I can tell that people are looking at me weird, because I’m looking at them weird. Its like that look someone gets when they see something they know that they shouldn’t have…I feel like a godly-christian-type-adolescent who is witnessing two people have sex and do crack at the same time. someone witnessing a murder. catching one of your friends lovers cheating on them when you see someone naked.
I don’t know exactly to explain how or why this makes me feel so awkward…but I guess its just because I don’t understand…because I don’t use a bottle, and never have. So when I see a baby eating from a bottle…its just something I haven’t seen really…so I just stare. and I know its awkward but I just can’t help it…
Is this what people feel when they see me nursing in public? Because then I totally get it.
Me nursing in public, downtown Toronto outside of the Art Gallery of Ontario during TIFF
No comments:
Post a Comment