Don't take me to jail, I'm breastfeeding!

I knew the title would catch your attention, but noooo, I’m not going to jail. But I did have this crraaazzy dream nightmare last night that I must share, in hopefully less than 3000 words [like my last post...so sorry about that one].

The dream. First I was driving, and I remember seeing this black Dodge Charger [You kow the transformers car? bumblebee?] which was an undercover police car, that had officer in it…but more like those detectives who are in regular clothes but then also wear the vests over that says the police department they are from. I somehow knew this because even though I was driving my own car, somehow I was sitting, basically on what would be the center console, in his car…You know how weird dreams could be. Anyways, I saw this police car sneaking up behind me and I panicked because I wasn’t wearing my seat belt [which I never do, not only for safety, and comfort, but also because of that annoying ass bell that goes off when you don't wear it!] I scrambled to get my seat belt off, and of course, the police sped by without interest in me….then suddenly I was in what I thought was my apartment, but instead of seeing the stairs and the door [we live in a basement apartment] up the stairs was a washroom [?] and then our main door. So anyways, besides the point really, just had to point that out, because again, random dream stuff. I can’t really remember too much about what happened in between getting to my apartment and what I am about to explain, but I know that I was set out on a mission to do something because I had a notebook and pen in my hand. [maybe school, since I start my online classes in 15 days :/...]. I was walking, and got to an intersection, but not with traffic lights, only a two way stop. I remember looking to the left and soooo many more of the Dodge Charger cop cars were speeding with there lights on and turning down the road that was up from where I was. To my right, more cop cars came speeding around. I thought in my head “oh geeze, there must be something crazy going on down there”, and then went back to look at the traffic to see when I would be able to cross the road without getting hit by a car. So I looked both ways again, to make sure the way was clear, and took one step. ONE STEP. I wasn’t even on the road. still on te gravel shoulder at this point, and then I look to my left and see this random [obviously undercover] Dodge Charger cop car with a man in regular clothing, FLAGGING ME DOWN with a blue flag. That’s right, even though I heard many sirens before, they didn’t turn them on for me. Behind the car was another man sitting on the top of a ladder and another girl/woman standing on chair [oh, dreams...] at this point there was no longer a road to the left of me, it was some sort of white room with elaborate marble? and balconies…anyways, the guy on the ladder called out to me and said “Hey! You! come over here so we can start filling out the..*blah* *blah* *blah*..and your Mom can’t save you from it this time” [the *blah* part was stuff I don't really remember hearing him say/stuff I can't remember or didn't understand.] I would just like to point out too, that I have never had to have my mom rescue me from jail before….or maybe this ONE time when I was young, but nothing that would cause me to dream about it later on in life,…or at least I would think…ANYWAYS. So I started to walk over to this guy on the ladder, and I was trying to breathe but kind of choking because I was so scared, and I remember I was clenching my notebook so hard to my chest so scared for what was about to happen. I remember trying to explain myself saying that I hadn’t even actually crossed the road I only had the INTENT to jaywalk, and I didn’t think you could be charged for that one. The girl on the chair started to talk to me at this point and told me not to bother because it wasn’t going to save me *tear*..this is where the real panic set in. I was standing just below the man on the ladder begging him not to send me to jail, I was doing that crying sort of panting, or gasping, because I could hardly breathe because I was in sch a panic. I told him ‘But I can’t go to jail, I have a 7 month old baby, and I’m breastfeeding….”… and then I woke up.

In complete panic by the way. and ran to the spare room where G was sleeping [Sidenote: he sleeps in there because he doesn't want to wake the baby who is sleeping next to me. Good call on his part because I would be mad if she woke up, but I hate him not being there! bed gets lonely, although I do always have baby to cuddle ] I turned on the light as fast as I could and tried to wake him up. He leaned up and kissed me, said “i love you” and went back to sleep…snoring, I should say….and that is #1076 why I love him so much.

So o that was my crazy dream, but i must head to bed now, as for the first time ever, I left G sleeping in bed with N. I don’t normally do this, as when she was born he wasn’t as “aware” that she was in the bed. [Although at that time she was on my chest, and so he couldn't get used to her, because she was still pretty much apart of me ] but now that she is bigger and sleeps next to me instead of on me, I think he has a better idea. So far they have been in there for 1 hour sleeping soundly and without moving! I put a body pillow in between them though so maybe they just think its me

All of this talking about them really makes me want to go crawl into bed even more *sigh*.

I. Fucking. Love. Life.

Until next time,

R. X0x0

btw, I’m too tired to spell check, but really want to post at the same time. I will edit tomorrow. or from my phone :p #Dontjudgemecauseimtired

Monarchs, Ladybgs, and that pain in my ass....

I haven’t really had the time nor motivation to blog lately. I think Im PMSing…although I haven’t actually got my period back since having N 7 months ago - which I have been told is a lucky thing, because a lot of women I have been talking to got theirs back as 8 weeks?! Not sure about how I lucked out on this one, unless it’s because they are using Birth control, which I can only imagine would effect it..and apparently pacifiers do as well? hmmmm…My period is the least of my concerns right now, and not what I intend to use this wise time blogging about.

Monarchs. Soooooo to fill in the gaps of this story, I’m going to have to rewind to my first day of university, 4 years ago now. I have to take 2 buses to get to my campus, and when I transfer, I have to wait at this open concept bus terminal [which, btw, has NO washroom, which is kind of inconvenient in the middle of a two-hour commute! especially when you drink as many teas as I do/did ]. So anyhoo, I was waiting for my bus to come and I remember being all scare, more so intimidated…and suddenly from what seemed like no where there were at least 30 to 40 Monarch butterflies swarming over the bus terminal. This shed a happy light on my day, I took it as a sign to myself that I shouldnt be scared and that everything is okay, and more than anything, that I was making the absolute right choice in life, or heading in the right direction. So then fast forward a year and a half later. I took a leap and moved into my first apartment [not far from home!] which was a big step for me considering how close I am to my Mom. At some point not too long after we moved in [which was in February, Valentines day to be exact]. I saw some more Monarchs AGAIN, it stuck out [and therefore made me always remember] because it was a) somewhat colder weather and b) since I had seen soooo many that first day of school and then associated it with the whole “making-the- right- decison-on-my-life- path” idea, so again, I thought, as scary as moving out was and as much as I wanted to go back home to my cozy comfort zone, I was doing the right thing and just to continue forward. [needless to say that was one of the best experiences of my life, and totally wouldn't take back a single day of living there with my amazing roommates [who are still amazing despite the fact that they totally bailed on me, but again, that shall be left for another blog post]. Fast forward again, about a year and a half later, I was pregnant with N, and saw ANOTHER Monarch. Although they were all pretty spaced apart, I felt connected to the Monarch in a weird way, like it was someone flying by me and saying “Hey, you’re okay. Everything happens for a reason”. So needless to say I am a little obsessive with Monarchs…not to the point where I have any sort of statues or pictures or whatever,…..yet….. but I I have considered multiple times getting a tattoo of a monarch added to the one I have on my back as a sort of symbolism for myself, as a reminder of how all hard big changes in my life always happen for the RIGHT reason.

Fast Forward to now. So, I explained in my last post, about how I met and wet to visit that amazing girl AS, well wouldn’t you know that her last name is butterfly in French…but whatever, I didn’t really think much of it…except that it made her comment “I’m obsessed with butterflies” made sense. When she told me that, I was tempted to tell her about my experiences, but didn’t think our first meet and greet would be the appropriate time to talk to her about my weird butterfly thoughts. So, last blog post was Wednesday, and on Thursday I had to take my BFF A to her drivers test [which she passed, btw! yayyy! ]. She took the bus down, and then we walked over to my Moms to pick up the car. On my way to meet her at the bus, I was walking to the lights to cross the street and I saw something fly in front of my stroller, and much to my surprise it was a Monarch! So when A and I met up, I had to tell her alllll about my crazy Monarch stories and what I thought it meant and etc. etc. [and of course I told her about how new friends last name was a weird coincidence as well]. We oohed and ahhhed about it. She mentioned one time for her that she saw hundreds of them flying out of trees up north at her camp and when they told her Grandpa he said it was even more odd to see them now because apparently they are becoming extinct? I haven’t googled this yet for confirmation, lol, but I trust A and her grandpas word. So we oohed and ahhhed some more and went about our day. The next morning, I was going grocery shopping. I was driving and approached a stop light and slowed down, I’m not going to lie I was kind of just staring around kind of gapped out [but don't worry the light was red and I was safely stopped at this point...I'm sure you all assume I'm a horrid driver after reading my "driving with no lights on post" ]. Out of the corner of my eye I sw something red flying at my windshield, nd since I had recently seen Trees with changing leaves, ,I just assumed it was a leaf. I remember thinking “stupid fall” or something like that, until it hit my window and I saw it was another floppin’ MONARCH! I got chills and almost started to cry, because I was thinking how weird and random it was that I actually saw them two days in a row and not even in the same area. Sunday, two days later, I was driving down to my BFF A’s house, and I was driving and again, stopped at light [in a business complex area, by no means a park or wildlife or anything...], and of course, yet another beautiful monarch was flying in front of me. This time, I didn’t cry, or go “wow”, my stomach flipped and I almost threw up. I guess I was so happy that I hd seen so many in such short amount of time that it was triple confirmation that whatever path I am on right now in life is definitely the one that I should be on. OH, and I should also mention that, besides the story that A told me, everyone I have talked to about this experience actually says that they haven’t seen a butterfly in a long time, which makes me feel even more special :0 [And, just to make it even more weird, I saw yet another monarch just today while I was driving with my sister!...

I told my sister this story at the beginning of the week and she was reminding me about how ladybugs were thought to be a symbol of My Great-Grandma. When she passed away my Dad and Step-Mom drove out to clean out her apartment and apparently the entire place was covered in Ladybugs. So at her funeral, and since, this has been considered a symbol of her. The next day, as I was bringing in the baby from the car, I looked down and noticed that a lady bug had gotten on to her head! I tried to let it outside, but it must have fell into a part of the car seat because it ended up flying around the apartment for a while. I just let it be J I feel like it was my Great-Grandma coming to visit her Great-Great-Granddaughter.

So a tonne of symbolism is going down in my life right now and I’m not really sure what it’s trying to tell me. My assumption is that the changes which are happening in my life that I should be open to are; meeting AS, going to my Mom playgroups [Momstown and Red Tent], getting closer with BFF A, the decision to stay on track towards my law/masters degree….

Maybe these signs are also trying to tell me that I am being a good person by letting G’s friend P stay with us for 4+ WEEKS. This would be the pain in my ass part to my blog. Anyone who follows me on twitter will know that this has been an ongoing issue that has been contributing to my stress [and also to my inability to blog...or paint...or pee with the bathroom door open..]…

Hopefully I can contain myself to a shorter rant, but, I highly doubt that will be the case because the whole situation is, [pardon me for cursing] STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT. *sigh* and TRUST me, I make this very clear on a daily basis to G. I haven’t said anything to P yet, but I feel like its crossing a line or something…although what the EFF am I saying, I’m not crossing ANY line, if anything HE is crossing the line….let me lay it down for you [and can you tell I’m mad because when do I ever write in all capitals....at least so far in this blog post ]

• When he first came down from where he lives [about 3 hours North] G told me that he would be staying with his Mom [my MIL] so I thought, okay, cool, no big deal….
• At first, he was always willing to help with the baby or dinner…now he just sits there like lump on a log saying he is tired [ummm, you and G do the same job, and he isn’t just sitting there...]
• I have to feed him, and he eats a lot. I have spent $180 on groceries the past 2 weeks, and feed him a GOOD meal every night [none of that frozen crap, I make chicken with fresh mashed potatoes gravy and corn, or some other delicious dinner from scratch]
• As a mom, you will know that showering is a luxury; around here I only get to do it every couple of days. Well wouldn’t you know that since G and P come home from work and BOTH shower EVERYDAY, by the time I go to have mine, there isn’t a single clean towel. AND today, when there FINALLY was a clean towel and the baby was napping so I actually had free time to just stand there and feel the hot water on me…and wash my hair….and, OH, wait, THERE IS NO SHAMPOOOOOO. And btw, G and P both have shaved heads…and when I called them out on it they TOTALLY admitted that they used all my shampoo…[I actually cried in the shower because I was soooo upset that my shower was ruined....or at least, not as enjoyable]
• We went to the laundry mat the other day, and he was rushing G to help me [and by rushing I mean standing outside the laundry mat staring and smoking cigarettes....] so that G could drive him ACROSS THE PLAZA to a store….and after that, he kept reading the time on the dryer and saying “*sigh* 10 more minutes!? “.Even my friend A had come with us this time and was noticing how ANNYOYING he was becoming! She was pretty much disgusted with the way that he was acting and said something along the lines of “It’s almost like since he is a bad Dad, he expects that G will be a bad one too. Maybe he is almost jealous of how good of a Dad G is….” Even when I was trying to fold the clothes [so they would not be too wrinkly when we finally got a chance to put them away at home. G told me to do whatever, and A was like “yea there is no rich” and then P was like “yea....no rush at all...” and just by the tone of his voice I could tell that he was being sarcastic. I looked to see his facial expression to confirm the sarcasm, and sure enough he was just finishing up a HUGE EYE ROLL! Well this totally rubbed me the wrong way, because honestly who is he to say if we are taking too long or not? We have shit to do, and you are a guest in our house. End of story. If you don’t want to come with us or stay with us, there are plenty of buses, and your legs work just fine. [Side note: another reason why it bugs me soooo much that P asks G to drive him around is because when I don’t walk to borrow my mom’s car, I usually walk or bus EVERYWHERE....WITH A BABY...and he can’t even walk across the plaza to the store...he needs to use OUR GAS, and OUR TIME....FUCK THAT! – sorry, but profanity is not easy to withhold from these stories because REALLY, this just makes me SOOO ANGRY...] SO Anyways, to finish off the laundry mat story. Since I had seen him rolling his eyes and obviously he was rushing me I just threw all the clothes in garbage bags nd said “fine, FUCK, lets just go”…..so we all pile into the car, and by this point the baby is screaming, and P is all like “GREAT!, now all we need to do it go to the Drug Store!” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You just spent a FUCKING hour in the laundry mat complaining about how long we were taking and the Drug Store is LITERALLY across the street. He could have walked there 5 times in the amount of time we were waiting for the clothes. G told him to ask me, because you could tell he didn’t want to go either. I blatantly said NO. And A just looked at me and rolled her eyes…like wtf…
• Did I mention that I feed him every night and he has NEVER washed a single dish. He will sit there and watch G and I argue over who is going to watch the baby and who is going to clean up.
• He’s only provided $140 to compensate for the fact that he eats our food, uses our soap/shampoo, toilet paper, bums cigarettes from G all the time, drinks our hot chocolate and tea…..etc.
• One night, I think the same day we had just got back from the laundry mat, I was sitting in the other room and A was in the Kitchen. P was there as well and he says “Im going to make a hot chocolate” to which i replied…”oh, there isn’t even lot left….” [a.k.a DONT DRINK MY FREAKING HOT CHOCOLATE OR I WILL KILL YOU]. After I said that A said that she saw him take ANOTHER scoop of hot chocolate…therefore leaving me with NONE…..After he drank that, he made a cup of tea….and we had MAYBE enough milk for me to have my morning tea [which I NEED to have in my belly before I can even EAT anything....] then proceeds to make ANOTHER cup….after I said we hardly have enough milk for me n the morning…and USES THE REST OF THE MILK!

I cant continue on! I usually try harder to be more positive, but….this situation obviously aggravates me, but at the same time I kind of [? Kind of..] I feel bad for him. His whole story is, [and as I quickly reviewed his actual story in my head I realized I don’t actually feel that bad for him, but whatever, I will just let you decide for yourself.] He and his girlfriend have been together for 7 years and they have a 3 year old daughter. They were living in Toronto, and had to move because P apparently had people who wanted to kill him? [This is where I started to lose sympathy, because what the hell could you have done to make people want to kill you?! Except after him staying here for 4 weeks, I could maybe see why..] So to avoid his supposed death, the moved up north to a rural city, but not that small. Couldn’t find work. Called G, got a job with G, and now he has been waiting for welfare to come through so that he can get a place. That went through…so now he is “looking” for a place…Which he doesn’t really. He gets his mind set on one place, and gives up looking and then it always falls through. I mean if I had nowhere to live, I would be spending every free second I had trying to find somewhere. But it’s almost as though he is depending on G and I to help him..[G to drive him around, and me to bring up sites with advertisements and practically read them to him....]

Well….what more can I say? Not much, I have other more important things in life to blog about Like the DIY baby wrap and slings I made this week for 30$. Yea! you like the sounds of that don’t you I will post more on that tomorrow since it is now 1:10 a.m and I want to get at LEAST 8 hours sleep before I have to take care of a baby for 12 hrs straight…I’m sure you understand.

Until next time,

R X0x0

Keeping open doors

So much to say, and I’ve postponed posting too long due to #twitteringlikeafreak [I'm addicted to twitter hashtags, sometimes I find myself putting them in front of words and such in tet messages :/] so the babe will probably wake up soon….*sigh*, but I don’t want to do one of those 3 day long posts. Imma get ‘er done.

I have had a busy week! I always seem to have busy weeks..its funny though, on Monday I didn’t have any “plans” and I was realllllly bored! I kept thinking to myself, there is no Momstown this week, and no Red Tent…soooom wtf was I going to do with myself and the baby to keep myself from going crazy in my world of thoughts?! I did have a million and a half people to call Re:My Mid 20s crisis. I wanted to set up advisory appointments and call daycare, get subsidy forms…you know…..then the baby cried. So that hasn’t been very successful! Then much to my surprise, my week suddenly filled up! (mostly with stuff I had forgotten I even had to do!…I realllllly need a new agenda book to keep me organized…) That AMAZING girl AS that I met at Red Tent on Friday called me as G, N and I were leaving the mall after G’s Dentist appointment. I literally skipped and danced to the car because I was so thrilled, G looked at me like I had forgotten to take my crazy pills….We roughly planned to get together on Thursday (which would be tomorrow) but when I was talking to my Mom later on she reminded me that I had already scheduled with my BFF A to take her to her drivers test. SOOOO, I called AS back the next morning and we made plans for that day! She lives about 25 minutes East of me, and it was the most amazingly beautiful drive through the countryside. N was sleeping and she likes moderately loud music (doesn’t have to be lullabies! THANK-GOD) so i took the opportunity to listen to some old school music that put me in a really happy place. *sigh* I still get chills/want to cry thinking of how free I felt on that drive – but anyways, back to the main story. I arrived at AS’s house, (LOL, that spells Ass, but she is the TOTAL opposite, let me tell you!) and we spent the day with the babies and took a walk into “downtown” which is a strip of street with about 20 small locally owned businesses. We stopped at a small and quaint cafe and got some tea, and just talked and talked and talked. There is SOOOO much to talk to her about. She is relatively close in age to me, and we have the SAME parenting practices, which is hard to find in any Mom, let alone a younger one. My other friend L, who I have known since high school, is totally opposite to the way AS and I are as Moms. She formula feeds, her baby sleeps in his own room, she doesn’t even own a baby carrier, had a c-section, and uses disposable. We don’t have much to talk about, but still always have a good time in each others company because we were friends before so much hasn’t changed relationship wise, and mostly just complain about our DH’s. LOL. But with AS we could talk about breastfeeding, and baby wraps, our cloth diapers, natural birth, non-vaccinating, co-sleeping….and we also complained about our DH’s. [much to my surprise her DH is a well-known actor from one of my childhood favourite shows which I will not name because he "doesn't like stuff on the internet" - that's what he says to her when she posts pictures on Facebook - but AS and I agree, he isn't even famous anymore!....anyways..]. So all in all it was an amazing day, and I can’t WAIT to see her again I’m in “Mama” love….or something, lol.

Today, I had another date with a Mama who I used to actually party with at the bar [quite a contrast from the last time we saw each other all drunken and whatnot...now with babies, and she's pregnant with her 2nd!] we were never really direct friends, but hung out at the bar because we had a mutual friend [who was more like an acquaintance to me...but her BFF...doesn't even matter just filling in the gaps, ] We reconnected through FB and decided to get together to share each others babies. At first I was worried about going there for 2 reasons, a). She said she would bbm me when she was off work at 12, and never did. I had to bbm her at 1 to see if we were still on, to which her response was “Yea”….so I was all awkward because I didn’t even feel like she wanted me there, but then again she is pregnant, lol.. b) We were never really friends, and had never hung out besides at the bar, or when she would visit her BFF at my work [because we were co-workers, and that's how we originally met!]…SO when I arrived there, it wasn’t the most welcoming moment, [as it had been the previous day before with AS]. It was reallllly awkward at first, but as the afternoon rolled on, we sat on the grass in her back yard and just shot the shit about pregnancy, motherhood, and of course, the wonderful DH’s. Again, she lived North of me, so the drive there was mainly on country roads with houses that were acres apart from each other. It was really relaxing…I need more countryside friends until I am able to move there myself! [Until I am done school, I can't even think of moving to the country because there is not public transit to help me commute to school! ]

Speaking of school. A little update on my whole Mid-20s crisis…Its not really a crisis anymore. I am going to still continue forward completing my honours degree so as to not close the door to the opportunity of grad school and law school if that is really what I want to do. I am going to make an appointment with the admissions at the midwifery school to see if I were to take BIO and CHEM at the university level if I would be able to apply with them in the future, (which I’m sure I could). Then I will just take BIO and CHEM over the next two years as my electives and free choices so that I can still get my Political Science degree as well as leave the door open to Midwifery.

I was hoping for a more positive response from people around me, but reallly, only my BFF A was really supportive, even my mom was too busy playing games on Facebook to listen to me and help me figure life out. *sigh*….

If anything, the whole melt down has made me realize that I am too passionate about both subjects…and I’m wondering if there is anyway I could intertwine the two? Political Science/Law and my passion for birth and breastfeeding and parenting…….without being a family lawyer and having to see all the sad shit. You know? I’m sure you know.

I start my online classes in *gasp* 27 days! [26 days if you count today as Thursday since its already 12:45 a.m.] I am SUPER excited to get back to the [smell of] reading and writing, and fresh paper and pens *sniffs the air* YUMMM, but at the same time I am also worried that it will be a lot to handle with a 7 month old baby! I know I can do it though. If I could be pregnant, go to school, and work, I can go to school in online classes with a baby.

The past week I have been trying to stay up as late as possible and seeing how I manage throughout the day without G and taking care of N[since he is gone to work by 5:30 and isn't home until 5:30 sometimes 6, then by the time he eats and showers it's about 8.....but that's a whole other blog in itself..] It’s actually going a lot better than I imagined! So I know that every night I will be able to get at least a good 3 or 4 hours of homework/school in with only having to feed the babe once [or maybe even less by then because hopefully [*fingers croseed*] she will be eating less through the night by then because she will be eating more solids/baby food during the day? who knows..]

Speaking of the whole baby food, I have been progressing more, and getting a better response. Not so much spitting and sputtering now! She LOVES butternut squash and Sweet Potatoes, as well as freshly mashed bananas. and she doesn’t mind the Oat Cereal, but never eats more than 1 tbsp. I want to get some ice-cube trays this weekend [or empty one we have now] and steam some veggies this weekend and use the Magic Bullet to make my own fresh organic food. I know I will have the time to do it, so I figure it will save a lot of money, and we could realllllly use that right now!

Well, I’m glad to know that I can belt out so many words in only 45 minutes. At least I know that if I really set my mind to it [and know what I am talking about] all the 2000-2500 word essays [or longer sometimes] that I have to write for school will probably come easier than I expected. [P.S. this years motto is to TRY MY HARDEST AND APPLY MYSELF, I've been so slack the past 4 years, #I'mnotgoingtolie, and I still have a B+ average, but I want to bring it above an A so that I pass the bare minimum requirements for Grad school so that when/if I decide to apply I know I have a good chance of getting in ]

Anyhooooooo, Until Next Time!

R. Xoxo

[YAY, I finished a post in one day again! this is becoming my new trend! No more three-day-long-drafts sitting waiting to be posted!]

Mid-20s Crisis

I want to say I’m having a mid-life crisis…but I’m no where close to Mid-life, so I guess its a mid-20s crisis…geezee. i already had a mid-teen crisis…WHY IS LIFE ALL CRISISES?! (is that even a word? lol) I guess Buddha was on the money when he said that ALL life is suffering. It really seems to be true these days, but that doesn’t matter, cause I just try to focus on the positive so that I won’t worry about all the suffering (since it is inevitable).

Anyways, G took N to his Moms for a visit so while I am completely worry free I’m going to try to belt out my crisis. and if you happen to stumble upon this blog, please don’t hestiate to comment, because I am all for any advice at this point in time.

SO. Backtrack to childhood. Long story short, always wanted to be a Lawyer (more than likely becasue my grandparents instilled in my head that this is what I was to be, and should be for a good income -since thats their main concern apparently), BUT there were a lot of times, especially throughout highschool where I changed my mind a couple of times. At one point I even said I wanted to be an OB so that I could deliver babies (becuase even before I experienced it first hand, I knew that it was an amazing experience and I would have loved to have been able to bring babies into the world.) The one thing that deterred me from the experience was probably a bit of the unknown about childbirth (and thinking it would freak/gross me out..) but more than anything it was probably my lack of interest in the science and medical programs that you would have to endure to be able to do that. I’m not up for Med School. Law School MAYBE, but not Med school, even my DOCTOR who just left med school abot 3 years ago, says he would NEVER tell anyone to put themselves through all of that. (his parents must have pushed him ). So just stuck with the Lawyer thing. Fast Forward to university. Don’t know if I have mentioned before but I am currently at York University in my 4th year of (attempting) to get my Honours degree in political science….this was part of my whole “life plan” to go to Law school. Get my honours undergrad, go to grad school, go to law school, get my doctorate. Obviously school got put on hold a bit with the baby, ( I went to classes until December – N was born in Jan), and now I’m looking at AT least 2 or 2 1/2 years to finish this degree… When I was pregnant, I used a Midwife, because I had intentions to have a natural birth, and I just knew that they were more Pr0-choice than an OB/GYN. I was put n awaiting list, but much to my surprise got a call saying a spot had opened up! (so sad but happy, I hope the other person decided to go to an OB, and didn’t loose their baby or anything horrid like that). I met with my midwife, and it was insta love. i even remembercalling my Mom when I left the office and said that I wanted to drop out of school and go to Midwifery school. She proabably responded with something like, “just finish your degree you are working on now, at least”, and I’m sure I’ve never looked back.

Well now, I’ve been a Mom for almost 7 months, (longer I guess if you are one to count the pregnancy as being a Mom..lol, I didn’t really) and I’m really starting to get to know who i am as a parent and really overall as a person. Expecially with going to these Red Tent gatherings and reading womens blogs, and following cool mamas on Twitter,…I have come to find that this is kind of my niche. Something that I am passionate about in a way that is so different than how I am passionate about Law.

Last night I literally had a mini-breakdown because all of the sudden I faced myself with a horribly HUGE question of whether or not I actually want to continue to Law school, or if I maybe want to pursue this whole Midwifery Dream.

So I started to look into it, and it made life even more stressful, and hence led to my now Mid-20s Crisis…let me break it down for you.

• I am 4 years into my honours degree with at least 2 years to go (probably more because I cant afford childcare as a student so will need to rely on family for support).
• I need to complete my honours to go to grad school, and honours and grad school will look better for LSAT…. so thats 2 + 2 +2 = 6 years left of DEBT, to finally get a job…
• so lets say I do it all, which would be hard with a baby, I know, but I’m not saying that would stop me…BUT, so I get my law degree, etc….would I even be a good lawyer? I have no clue.
• I know I would be a great midwife. I have that compassion and I’ve been through natural birth and breastfeeding, and Its all something that I am very passionate about and want to share with other people.
• So admissions for Midwifery school, I need my GR 12 BIO/CHEM…which I DON’T have….NOR do I have gr 11 to be able to take night school or adult learning classes or whatever…an online course for gr 11 +12 Bio/chem is 499$! thats as much as a Uni Course.
• BUT if I apply to Midwifery school coming from Uni, I could use uni credits that are the “equivelant” to the highschool ones. (not sure what that would be? maybe intro to bio/intro to chem)
• AND if i were to do bio and chem, I could use them as elecives/free choices and FINISH my BA..NOT honours…which would mean no grad school…and probably no law school….So i would have to be pretty sure about that one…
• IF i were to do my bachelors, I would be done by the end of next summer and could apply to midwifery school in sept…and yea….but that could essentially mean not looking back.

SOoooooOo, needless to say I’m really lost and confused right now. I have no idea what to do. I’m going to book advisory appointments at my school and the midwifery school to go talk to some peeps and see what their opinion is…..I start crying when I think about it because I’m worried that I would be disappointing people. Then when I thnk realisticly, no one would be disappointed in me…except maybe myself. I’ve been striving towards this law school dream for the past 6 years…it would feel crappy to throw it all away (kinda)…

But the other day I was saying, “I don’t know where I messed up so bad that a 4 year degree is going to take me 6 years”…I know it wasn’t the baby, it was more because of work and commuting, I could never take a 100% course load. Now, I’m looking at it as maybe a sign?….because everything DOES happen for a reason…

But none of that really solves my crisis….*sigh* my thoughts are going in circles. and i just busted our 1300 words in like 10 minutes….I’m going to take the rest of my “free time” while baby is out with Daddy to shower and put away laundry.

Until Next time,

R. Xoxo

Just a thought....or two...

Today I decided to take the plunge and make my own baby food, and I started with bananas for two reasons.
1. N seemed to like the jarred version.
2. Already soft in consistency, and therefore easy to puree.
So I got out the Magic Bullet, chopped up some bananas and added a wee bit of water, and put the bullet to work! The result was an amazingly sweet sensation. (Sidenote: I know I have read places NOT to feed your baby sweet things at the start or else they will have a tendency to ONLY like sweet things, butttt, I figure Breastmilk is sweet – so they say, I haven’t tried it myself – and I know if I had been drinking something sweet for 6 months, going to eating mashed green beans would be a bit of a shock to the taste buds…just sayin’…) N loved it! I was disappointed that my wonderfully yellow puree quickly turned into a lightish brown/black colour (which I should have figured since most fruits do turn brown after cutting, e.x. Apples and bananas ), but I washed and sterilized some baby food jars and just stored the rest in the fridge, I will attempt to mix it with cereal later today or tomorrow.
So even though N seemed to like this, she didn’t seem to eat a lot, and she still wanted boob about 20 minutes after…I am so confused! I am not sure what to think/do with this whole food thing, and when I read stuff it just makes me more confused and lost in the situation. Also, I don’t know anyone else who has bfed as long as I have so I don’t know who to even ask for experience/tips or whatever…*sigh* I guess I will just follow my instincts as per usual. orrr, I could ask the crunchy Mamas at Red Tent tomorrow (if I go), because I’m sure some of them bfed for a long-ish/longer time.

Even though Bananas are a pretty simple recipe for some reason I still googled one. When I was reading, the website said that “Please remember that the recommended age to begin weaning is 6 months old.”. WEAN FROM WHAT? I haven’t heard of this “recommendation”. All I know is that according to the WHO you are supposed to bfeed for AT LEAST a YEAR, exclusively for 6 months, and up to 2 years if possible, (or longer if comfortable for mother and baby). So this is what I am saying about getting confused when I read stuff, because everywhere says something different! and some things are very anti-bfeeding, or if it even suggests breastfeeding, it will suggest along with it completely absurd things like “trying not to nurse your baby to sleep”, or, CIO….*sigh* society…

ANYWAYSSSSS, I’m going to go start making some dinner….anddd, I will be blogging later hopefully because i have something that I realllllly need to get out of my system!

Until next time,

R. Xoxo

P.S. I FINISHED THIS ALLL IN ONE SITTING feels good to start something and finish it

Breastfeeding

Last night I took some time to edit my posts, (for anyone who actually reads this one a regular basis…) And you’ll notice that I have decided to omit names. Its half a time issue and half privacy? My DH was freaked out at the fact that I have a blog that I will acquire stalkers if I use my/our names…so to make him happy (and save me time) I will just use initials and etc.
So baby N turned 6 months on the 26th of July! I have been exclusively breastfeeding her the entire time, and “they” say that’s the best, and then at 6 months to start introducing baby cereals and some veggies and fruits. I remember longing for the day when I wouldn’t be the only one who would be able to feed her, but now that the day had finally come, I was kind of dreading it. So far we have tried, Rice and Oat cereals, Peas, Carrots, Sweet potatoes, Pears, Banannas, Apples&Banannas…and all had pretty much the same reaction from the babe. *spit* *sputter**shudder* *cough* *gag* *spit out*….I almost feel bad?!!? I posted a question on a breastfeeding communitiy online at Circle of Moms, basically just explaining my situation and looking for some other Moms experiences and stories…and I have only looked at a few responses, but some said that their bfed babies didn’t even fully like food until they were weaned! Others said just to keep trying every day and she will get used to it, but if she still wants the boob, then give it to her! At our last appointment my doctor was all about getting her started on solids so “we can start to wean out her nighttime feedings”….but since the babe sleeps next to me, I somehow doubt that getting her to eat some veggies during the day would help her to sleep through the night… (and resist the temptation of boob that surrounds her!!??). So I have been trying to at least TRY to give her some baby food in the day to get her used to it, but I’ve noticed a couple more things that are somewhat discouraging me..
A) because she doesn’t like it, we are wasting A LOT of food, and we aren’t used to having to spend that extra cash on the babe, because we never have really had to before (bfeeding, cloth diapers, and all) so its kind of a shock, when the food gets wasted. I had intentions to make my own baby food, and we even received a Magic Bullet blender for christmas to help us with this endeavour, but I haven’t tried to yet, mainly time is an issue…but I will try soon..
B) Convienience/Time. Especially on a day when we have the doctors or something in the morning, its soooo much easier to just give the babe boob, rather than trying to force food down her throat. (Which usually ends in a bath because its all over her too)
C) I’m doing it. DH seems to get frustrated when he has to feed her “because she doesn’t want it” and “it takes so long”, rather than dealing with his complaints (which I don’t appreciate at all because if he hadn’t noticed I have lost over 300hrs EASILY from bfeeding for the past 6 months…so I know all about how long it takes, but anyways…) And then sometimes I feel like it would be easier to have this “explore” time during the day when I’m not worried about cooking for DH or getting the babe ready for bed, or whatever else chaos seems to surround me…so I just end up feeding her and I feel like that might not be working…its kind of confusing for her? I would think it would be…
But again, being a first time Mom I can only assume that this is how it goes for everyone because I don’t actually have any first hand experience myself…so we will just have to see how it goes from here. I am worried wondering how long I will end up bfeeding for? I want to follow the World Health Organizations (WHO) recommendation of bfeeding until 2 if possible. (Which I never thought I’d do, I always said I would “try” to bfeeding – assuming that there was a possibility I wouldn’t produce milk, and then I said I would only go 5 or 6 months….but now that I have experienced it my ideas/views have obviously changed )But I am kind of scared excited nervous curious to know how my experience goes. My sister seems to think I will still be bfeeding N when she is 4. And I reaaaallllyyy hope I’m not, but who knows really…and I probably won’t be upset if I have to.
The other night I was on Youtube watching videos about baby wraps and a suggestion came up for me to watch some video, “breastfeeding leigh at 28 months” and I’m not going to lie it intrigued me…since I feel that I might be in this predicament with N. Soooo I clicked on it and watched and it was kind of like an interview type thing, while the woman was bfeeding her baby, another woman was asking questions to her and whatnot. There were more videos of the same woman feeding this baby that were poping up in the “suggestions” column. To see what this whole person posting this was all about, I went to their Youtube channel. The channel was full of videos of women doing extended (toddler) nursing and even some informational videos (about vaccinations and whatnot). And before I continue let me give her explaination of why she puts these videos (which some may/are offended by) of nursing online. She used the story of Buddha, and how he went to see all of things he was sheltered from, etc. And she basically said (in better words than I am about to give) that she puts them online to give people more awareness about extended nursing so that Western society doesn’t see it as such a negative weird thing. Which totally makes sense! (Sidenote: did you know that the mean (maybe even average) age to wean worldwide is something like 4 years and 9 months….so really the West is really behind…) But anyways, I spent some time surfing the videos (I won’t lie), and I was trying to imagine myself in the same position nursing N when she is a toddler…and it doesn’t seem that bad. I espcially felt this after I watched the video on the channel called “20 steps to wean your 2 year old” (starring the same 28 month old L who was in the previoud video I watched so I already knew that these 20 steps obviously didn’t work) and let me tell you, it was sooooooooooo TRUAMATIZING!! I don’t want to have to go through that (really) it just doesn’t seem enjoyable for anyone! So I guesssss I’m basically saying I’m going to let N self wean..
And the whole point to this blog/moral of the story, is that I want to stop “assuming” things are going to be a certain way based on what other people have told me and their own individual experiences (and also from what I have read…). I never would have thought I would be so “into” bfeeding as I am now. I want to spead the boob gospel so bad! But people always think you’re a nut when you try, except the ladies at Red Tent.
Anyways, I will obviously keep you updated on how my whole experience goes, lol, that’s why I have a blog!

Until next time,

R. Xoxo

A follow up

I have a bit of free time while the baby sleeps, so I thought I would take this “quiet” time to catch up a bit on a few stories which I started and never seemed to finish.

a) My Credit. Lets just say….I haven’t froze my credit cards yet, as I said I would 2 posts ago…. I’m putting it off for some reason. At first my justification was that I wanted to buy some more cloth diapers online (because we desperately need them), but then I remembered you can pay with Paypal so technically, I don’t even need them. still haven’t froze them yet. I had mentioned wanting to pay them off within the year. Which, after calculating, doesn’t seem as though that will be possible. I am used to be obsessed with a show (many may have heard of) called “Til Debt Do Us Part” with the wonderful Gail Vaz-Oxlade . On her website she actually has a work sheet where you can calculate how much you have to pay towards credit card debt (balance and interest) each month in order to be able to pay it off with in 12/24/36 months. For me to be able to pay off my measly little credit cards in a year. It would cost me $82 a month (for both, not each)…which sounds great!! However, I am on Mat leave right now, so money is tight! After paying my rent, I’m usually only left with about $150. Taking away $82 would leave me with very little….although DH does help most of the time, he is really behind on his bills at the moment, so until he has all that figured out 100% I want to make sure that I can survive without having a dependency on him. So anywayysss….I’m probably going to aim more for the 3 year plan, (with hopes that once I get back to work and such I will be able to make some bigger payments and possibly get it done in a year or a year and a half..) I think in order to do so, I only need to pay $12 to each, each month. Which is TOTALLY doable at the moment, but like I said, hopefully in January when i get back to work, i will be able to pay a little more to each so that I can hopefully be debt free soon.

I called my credit card providers to make sure that my credit rating with them was okay, and much to my surprise I have never missed or made a late payment in the past year…and then I remembered….ooooooh did I rememberrr….but I don’t even want to get into what stupid things I managed to do that I now (assume) somewhat ruined-ish my credit. Maybe one day I will tell my story so others could possibly learn from it but today is just not the day…

[EDIT: as per usual, its two days later...I don't know when I will ever be able to just finish ONE blog post in at least a night!!??]

b) Red Tent. In my last post, I expressed my feelings about the whole Momstown situation. So I went down to a local park last friday and met with a bunch of Moms who were on my level. The group is called Red Tent and it is hosted by two local homeopaths and there were 5 other women who came along with babies in arms (and some bigger ones who were on the playgrounds). A lot of topics that came up were things like; Breastfeeding, Vaccinations, Baby Wearing, Natural Birth, Midwifery…ohhh it just made me ooze with joy! I can’t wait to go back to another one this upcoming friday.

I’m going to have to end this post….shorter than most. Its taken me DAYYYYYSSS, literally about 4 or 5 to actually even finish these measly 650ish words….anddd its just lost its moment.

Sooo, until next time (which shall be sooon!)

R. Xoxo

Lone Wolf

I just got back from Momstown baby babble. My 3rd event with Momstown, 2nd baby babble. I really like the baby babble because you get together at someones house, so its comfy and free (and you don’t have to worry about people staring at the group of you like a bunch of clucking hens!). There are babies from 8 weeks to 11 months, and the babies play around while the moms shoot the crap shit. (You kind of have to swear using that line..it sounds funny) There were 3 other moms who I had not met at the last gathering, so it was a bit f a different mix. The more people got talking, the more I didn’t….. I know my parenting practices aren’t “normal” according to most, but I wouldn’t have thought it could separate me so much from other Moms. However, it get to the point where I really just feel out-of-place. It bothers me because I would think that just being with moms would satisfy me enough, but I have come to realize that it doesn’t. This is not to say that I am not going to continue going, because I do have fun, and enjoy talking about MOST things. I just don’t really talking about a few things…..

a. My birthing choice/practice

b. Co-sleeping

c. CIO (cry it out)

One lady brought up the whole labour/delivery topic, and she said something along the lines of “From the beginning, I wanted an epidural, I didn’t want to be one of those women who tried to sound tough by saying I wanted it natural.” Which a lot of mos responded to with “Oh, I know!” . This made me not even want to offer my story to the group because I was “one of those women”. I have a compelling need to share my story and experience, but after those comments, I figured it would be taken as “gloating”, or “showing off”. I know that no one would have said anything or acted any different becuase they are a very welcoming bunch of women. But as a woman myself, I know that there would be comments made within each of their own heads, as well as (Im sure) nurmerous comments to husbands and etc. “Oh, this girl was there, couldn’t have been older than 19, and she did it ALL NATURAL. Was she CRAzY!”. Call me paranoid, but I’m sure they all go home and talk about me anyways, I mean, when DH gets home I always tell him about everyone else, so why wouldn’t they be talking about me too? Not to mention, I am not only the only “natural” birthing woman, but also the only cloth diaper user, babywearing, co-sleeping mama. And I look 12 just to make it better…but they know I am in Univeristy (they don’t know what year tho) so they have to know I’m over 18. Oh and did I mention I’m the only one who has to talk about my “boyfriend” everyone else is clearly married…

So anyways, then as conversation kept going on, we started to talk about where babies slept. Most have them in separate rooms, except the two whose babies are only 8 weeks, and me.. One lady mention that she did co-sleep until 6 months but, she swore she ‘would never do that again. Another lady (the same one who brought up the birth stories) said that she had a friend who still sleeps with her 1 1/2 year old and she “didn’t know how she could do that” and imagine all the problems they will have”. So needless to say, I didn’t even contribute to the conversation…not really worth the hassle of explaining myself, and I’m definitely not one who is going to preach to others about “how amazing it is” or that they “should try it”…thats just not my cuppa hot chocolate. A few minutes after the co-sleeping convo came one about how they got their babies to sleep. Some said they would rock them to sleep but a lot said that they won’t do that because they will get “too used to it” and “always need them to fall asleep” so they just let them cry themselves to sleep, when and if needed….not even going to get into my thoughts on that

*sigh* Why did I end up such an oddball parent?! I always knew I was a little more “granola” or different than most, but I didn’t think it would translate into such extremities as pushing me off of the parenting grid..

Need there be no sadness little one, I have found myself a local group of like-minded women, and I can’t WAIT to go to meet them all this Friday morning. I think it will be really refreshing to meet people who believe in the same things that I do. I hope to walk away with a new sense of confidence in myself and my parenting. I hate comparing myself to others, and I really just like to follow my instinct, but being in these playgroups, I can’t hide from the comparison because all we really talk about it parenting and what we do….so its hard not to compare a littleeeee.

Until Next time,

R. Xoxo

[EDIT: just to clarify, I totally meant to post this on Wednesday...and its now Saturday evening, I could have SWORE i hit publish when I was done.... ]