Mid-20s Crisis

I want to say I’m having a mid-life crisis…but I’m no where close to Mid-life, so I guess its a mid-20s crisis…geezee. i already had a mid-teen crisis…WHY IS LIFE ALL CRISISES?! (is that even a word? lol) I guess Buddha was on the money when he said that ALL life is suffering. It really seems to be true these days, but that doesn’t matter, cause I just try to focus on the positive so that I won’t worry about all the suffering (since it is inevitable).

Anyways, G took N to his Moms for a visit so while I am completely worry free I’m going to try to belt out my crisis. and if you happen to stumble upon this blog, please don’t hestiate to comment, because I am all for any advice at this point in time.

SO. Backtrack to childhood. Long story short, always wanted to be a Lawyer (more than likely becasue my grandparents instilled in my head that this is what I was to be, and should be for a good income -since thats their main concern apparently), BUT there were a lot of times, especially throughout highschool where I changed my mind a couple of times. At one point I even said I wanted to be an OB so that I could deliver babies (becuase even before I experienced it first hand, I knew that it was an amazing experience and I would have loved to have been able to bring babies into the world.) The one thing that deterred me from the experience was probably a bit of the unknown about childbirth (and thinking it would freak/gross me out..) but more than anything it was probably my lack of interest in the science and medical programs that you would have to endure to be able to do that. I’m not up for Med School. Law School MAYBE, but not Med school, even my DOCTOR who just left med school abot 3 years ago, says he would NEVER tell anyone to put themselves through all of that. (his parents must have pushed him ). So just stuck with the Lawyer thing. Fast Forward to university. Don’t know if I have mentioned before but I am currently at York University in my 4th year of (attempting) to get my Honours degree in political science….this was part of my whole “life plan” to go to Law school. Get my honours undergrad, go to grad school, go to law school, get my doctorate. Obviously school got put on hold a bit with the baby, ( I went to classes until December – N was born in Jan), and now I’m looking at AT least 2 or 2 1/2 years to finish this degree… When I was pregnant, I used a Midwife, because I had intentions to have a natural birth, and I just knew that they were more Pr0-choice than an OB/GYN. I was put n awaiting list, but much to my surprise got a call saying a spot had opened up! (so sad but happy, I hope the other person decided to go to an OB, and didn’t loose their baby or anything horrid like that). I met with my midwife, and it was insta love. i even remembercalling my Mom when I left the office and said that I wanted to drop out of school and go to Midwifery school. She proabably responded with something like, “just finish your degree you are working on now, at least”, and I’m sure I’ve never looked back.

Well now, I’ve been a Mom for almost 7 months, (longer I guess if you are one to count the pregnancy as being a Mom..lol, I didn’t really) and I’m really starting to get to know who i am as a parent and really overall as a person. Expecially with going to these Red Tent gatherings and reading womens blogs, and following cool mamas on Twitter,…I have come to find that this is kind of my niche. Something that I am passionate about in a way that is so different than how I am passionate about Law.

Last night I literally had a mini-breakdown because all of the sudden I faced myself with a horribly HUGE question of whether or not I actually want to continue to Law school, or if I maybe want to pursue this whole Midwifery Dream.

So I started to look into it, and it made life even more stressful, and hence led to my now Mid-20s Crisis…let me break it down for you.

• I am 4 years into my honours degree with at least 2 years to go (probably more because I cant afford childcare as a student so will need to rely on family for support).
• I need to complete my honours to go to grad school, and honours and grad school will look better for LSAT…. so thats 2 + 2 +2 = 6 years left of DEBT, to finally get a job…
• so lets say I do it all, which would be hard with a baby, I know, but I’m not saying that would stop me…BUT, so I get my law degree, etc….would I even be a good lawyer? I have no clue.
• I know I would be a great midwife. I have that compassion and I’ve been through natural birth and breastfeeding, and Its all something that I am very passionate about and want to share with other people.
• So admissions for Midwifery school, I need my GR 12 BIO/CHEM…which I DON’T have….NOR do I have gr 11 to be able to take night school or adult learning classes or whatever…an online course for gr 11 +12 Bio/chem is 499$! thats as much as a Uni Course.
• BUT if I apply to Midwifery school coming from Uni, I could use uni credits that are the “equivelant” to the highschool ones. (not sure what that would be? maybe intro to bio/intro to chem)
• AND if i were to do bio and chem, I could use them as elecives/free choices and FINISH my BA..NOT honours…which would mean no grad school…and probably no law school….So i would have to be pretty sure about that one…
• IF i were to do my bachelors, I would be done by the end of next summer and could apply to midwifery school in sept…and yea….but that could essentially mean not looking back.

SOoooooOo, needless to say I’m really lost and confused right now. I have no idea what to do. I’m going to book advisory appointments at my school and the midwifery school to go talk to some peeps and see what their opinion is…..I start crying when I think about it because I’m worried that I would be disappointing people. Then when I thnk realisticly, no one would be disappointed in me…except maybe myself. I’ve been striving towards this law school dream for the past 6 years…it would feel crappy to throw it all away (kinda)…

But the other day I was saying, “I don’t know where I messed up so bad that a 4 year degree is going to take me 6 years”…I know it wasn’t the baby, it was more because of work and commuting, I could never take a 100% course load. Now, I’m looking at it as maybe a sign?….because everything DOES happen for a reason…

But none of that really solves my crisis….*sigh* my thoughts are going in circles. and i just busted our 1300 words in like 10 minutes….I’m going to take the rest of my “free time” while baby is out with Daddy to shower and put away laundry.

Until Next time,

R. Xoxo